maria, naoko and tereza


There are three women, three fictional women to be exact, who have made their place in my heart. Even if their creators never created them, they'd still exist. They’ll find ways to come alive somewhere on my body, like a sprout. 
Naoko is the one that dies first because she can’t have sex with her lover: like me. Maria is a whore, but she finds love almost instinctively: like me. Tereza is the one that believes in coincidences and dies tragically with her lover: also like me. 
When my body closes up and I feel like nothing can enter, not even the breath that sustains me, is when Naoko is alive. I have cried so much when I’ve been unfriendly towards your body. It's almost like I am a disgusting binary: one that craves you inside me, another one that rejects touch and runs away. 
I had my first kiss when I was fifteen, like Maria. I didn’t know how to kiss, but I still touched my lips on another person’s. I must've been brave at fifteen. 
I kept my mouth closed the whole time and I enjoyed every inch of skin. But he looked unhappy and that is when I realized that I probably made a mistake. Later I read about Maria, and she too did what I did- only to later understand that you kiss with your mouth open.
Once I couldn’t sleep and Anzi had already fallen asleep on call, so I decided to finish the book I was reading. This was Tereza’s book and as it goes, I become her and I feel the things she's meant to feel. I am upset and sad and I'm reading, almost crying, as I realize that I have too much love for a man, just like Tereza. 
I'm terrified at the vigour of this feeling. I turn the page instinctively to read the rest. Tereza and Tomas are in love because of fortuities and in the moment when she wakes up in bed, something astonishing happens to her and she recognizes that the universe has aligned itself once again, to show her that he really is her calling. I am suddenly aware of you still on the other side of the call, in deep sleep, in another world. The next line was: "there were tears in her eyes, and she was unutterably happy to hear him breathing at her side." 


Did I fantasize myself to be her so much that I was actually Tereza? Our love is simply a series of coincidences; two incidents happening at the same time.

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